There are some tempting behaviors you should steer clear of if you want your relationship to improve your relationship.
Relationships have always been tough to navigate through. One of the greatest challenges in relationships is not knowing how to communicate or express how you may be feeling specifically. The problem is that not everyone was taught the same lessons on how communicating effectively impacts others. This is why there is often a barrier.
Learning to communicate is a basic skill set, that is integrated into our lives as early as birth. Envision a mother, creating a love language to understand her newborn; one that consists of nothing more than coos, cries, and body expressions to interpret the baby’s needs for food, comfort, diaper changing, or soothe fear.
Additionally, let’s consider the task of guiding a toddler in the early stages of development. You want to instill and install values that will carry them into adulthood. Imagine trying to build healthy practices and break bad habits while exposing them to positive experiences that will ultimately help to shape who they become.
“Enlightenment is the key to everything, and it is the key to intimacy, because it is the goal of true authenticity.”
Marianne Williamson
Think about it!
As a child, you are told to be kind, respect your elders, play nicely with siblings, and always share with others. But none of these lessons truly prepare you for the challenges of real adult life.
Great relationships can make life an exciting and rewarding experience, so it’s natural to want to consistently secure those types of partnerships.
Behaviors that strengthen the bond created by love are what keep relationships going.
Love, commitment, and sacrifice are only one side of the coin. It takes hard work to keep these factors at the forefront of your daily thoughts and actions.
But, on the other hand, toxic relationships can drag you down, while it leaves you feeling more miserable and lonelier than ever. And, you can (without even knowing) be attracting those unpleasant relationships, because you haven’t taken the time to assess which unhealthy habits are drawing those energy suckers out of the woodwork.
What destroys relationships (question mark?) are behaviors that erode trust. When we aren’t happy with our current situation in life, we tend to subconsciously sabotage our progress, sometimes without even knowing it.
By addressing and understanding the most common behaviors that damage relationships, you can give your relationships a better chance of surviving and thriving.
Relationships are challenging for everyone, so let’s consider five tempting behaviors to avoid if you want to get the most growth out of the relationships you are currently building.
5 Tempting Behaviors to Avoid If You Want Growth In Your Relationship
#1 Fear of intimacy
There are several types of Intimacy. Self Intimacy, Emotional Intimacy, Intellectual Intimacy, Physical Intimacy, and Experimental Intimacy. But, for the sake of this article, we are going to focus briefly on emotional intimacy. More specifically, the fear of connecting with someone to protect your feelings.
Fear of Intimacy can be defined as a worry about forming or creating close relationships due to a distressing concern of being rejected, abandoned, judged, and/or failed in some way. This can be brought about by past relationship traumas, relationships that you haven’t completely healed or gained closure from or those experiences that have left you feeling like relationships are just not “for you”.
Maybe you want someone in your life, but you don’t want them to get too close. This is a common bother, particularly among men, but many women also struggle with this relationship challenge.
A study conducted by Reis and Grenyer found that women with depression have much higher levels of fear of intimacy. Another study found that fear of intimacy among women might be strongly associated with actual intimacy instead of desired intimacy. If you are intrigued to dig a bit more into this research, check this out!
How does this behavior bring about the destruction of a relationship? Well? Fear of intimacy sends mixed signals. This behavior can bring destruction to any situation-ship. It is counterproductive when attempting to build trust. The constant push-pull that you exhibit brings uncertainty to the connection and creates doubt in the person you are with. Eventually, your partner will become frustrated with the contrast between your need for love and your expectations of its failure.
This behavior prevents the possibility of making authentic connections and affects how you connect with others intimately.
Intimacy is so important.
Think of it as the glue that keeps your relationships together. The bond, built over time, surpasses the initial spark. Without it, you will be unable to create that safe space of vulnerability needed to help the relationship in its growth stages. I’m not just talking romantic but platonic as well. One way to prevent this tempting behavior from interfering with your relationship is by deepening the connection between you and your partner.
Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to get started today:
What can I do to improve the relationship I have with myself?
What obstacles do I currently see in my own life that could hinder me from connecting in my relationship?
What can I do to build emotional intimacy in my relationship?
Notice, in these questions, the direct focus is on …….. “I” (YOU)! If your partner is the one with the problem, you may want to offer these questions to them for consideration to answer. The road to healing starts with acknowledgment.
#2 Poor communication habits.
Communication is more than just a conversation. It is a mutual understanding with a resolve. Poor Communication is more common than most people think. Many are under the impression that because the issue was talked about, that “fixes” what was wrong. Keep in mind that if there was no resolution then you still have a problem.
Have you ever argued, fought with words, or broken up with someone via text? Ever found yourself rehashing old unresolved issues or just feeling like you don’t want to waste your time, so you sweep the problem under the rug?
If this is you … then tis’ tis’!
The first thing you need to know is that there is no one size fits all solution to improving communication in a relationship. However, by identifying the root of the issue and then addressing it, there are techniques you can use to effectively communicate with your partner. According to the article “The Effects of Lack of Communication in a Relationship” posted on OurEveryDayLife.com: An adequate communication style is important for the longevity and quality of your relationship, and you and your spouse should resolve to communicate effectively.
Do you have difficulty communicating with your partner? Does your inability to communicate cause you to feel frustrated, unheard, or misunderstood?
The quality of the communication is what ultimately determines how close you stay in the long run.
Communication is more than having a conversation. (Sorry, it was worth repeating). It requires understanding so both parties are on the same page. This can include everything from not mentioning the little things that get on your nerves, to just not communicating in a meaningful way daily.
The key to overcoming this issue is to practice two simple words: “I feel…”
Let’s take a look at some specific examples to examine when it comes to poor communication and a resolution to help move you beyond this “stuck” place. They include:
Fighting via text message.
The Mind Reading Game
Avoidance
Improper communication can create problems. If you have done this or have experienced this from a spouse, take a glance at “Let’s Have A Clean Fight: Rules For Fighting Fair” which break down some situations that might count as unfair. (coming soon)
#3 Insecurity
Insecurity is a HUGE relationship killer. You will drive yourself and your partner crazy.
Let your partner have the freedom to be themselves. Stop feeling the “need” to save them from every bad decision or tempting situation.
Besides that, this behavior could eventually make your partner feel insulted.
Insecurity drives us to act out of emotion instead of acting maturely and proactively. It can also impact mental health. An author at The Light Program wrote “Insecurities are related to standards set by the people we interact with, such as our family, friends, and peers, and societal expectations that may be legitimate or perceived. Insecurities develop when we compare ourselves to others and feel less than.”
Practice creating your self-acceptance and assurance so you don’t become dependent on your partner to fill in parts of you that may not be whole.
Insecurity can manifest itself in many ways:
Are you frequently jealous? This can include being anxious about your partner’s close friends and previous relationships.
Do you overanalyze everything your partner says and does for some sign that they’re losing interest? This can show up in some form of self-made test to measure love, loyalty, or commitment.
Do you need constant reassurance that everything is okay? Your partner should not have to constantly tell you things are good, or that they love you 24/7.
Do you spend more time worrying about the stability of your relationship than you do enjoy it? If your focus is on all the things that are not going right or what you are not happy with, then you will miss out on all the wonderful things that are happening.
If you have a lot of insecurity in your relationships, consider addressing your levels of self-confidence and self-esteem. This is something you have to deal with internally.
Don’t ignore the “self”.
#4 A need for control.
Need for Control leads to feeling like you MUST have things “fixed” at all times because there is an underlying dread of being negatively judged or criticized.
This is commonly camouflaged as caretaking, brought to the extreme. That indescribable desire to “protect” or “lookout” for the one you love. But that isn’t the real purpose for feeling like things must go a certain way, is it?
The real purpose is power.
Do you feel the need to control every aspect of your relationship? Micromanaging every decision, move, or interaction
Micromanaging doesn’t work in the workplace, and it won’t work at home.
Who wants to be dominated or bullied day in and day out? Ask yourself why you feel the need to control everything about your relationship and your partner.
This can be one of the most problematic issues in a relationship.
Here’s why…..
No one wants to feel like a situation is beyond their control. And often this can result in borderline narcissistic behavior, gaslighting, name-calling, and low-blow insults.
For example… phrases like
- “Can we just have an adult conversation?”
- “Have you been drinking or are you high?”
- “You must be insane to feel that way!”
- “Ok, if that’s the way you feel then let’s just end it!”
- “If that’s what you want to believe then that’s on you!”
- “Well, I got plenty of others interested so you can either accept it or go!”
These are terms that imply that the person feels some type of threat or personal attack and these types of phrases are an attempt to regain control of the situation almost to the point of self-sabotage. Shifting the focus, so that they become the victim showing signs of distress. Making themselves believe that they were brought to this point due to the inconsideration of the other party.
Being in stressful situations can cause you to say something you don’t mean or force you to say something you can’t take back. Giving awareness to issues brings you to this place of defense when you are not on the defensive end.
Be Fair! Consider the fact that it’s not just your feelings on the line. You don’t have to throw your hands up and walk away from every relationship that makes you feel uncomfortable. You have to find ways to express yourself without disregarding the emotions of the other person.
Remember….. there is a thin line between being selfish and self-centered. Allow a heated situation to cool down before you call it quits.
It may be something you resent or even regret later.
#5 Assuming the role of the martyr.
What is playing the role of the martyr? Believing that you’ll get what you want in the end if you just sacrifice “enough” of yourself.
Assuming the Role of Martyr is one of the most common behaviors in relationships and certainly one of the most destructive behaviors I’ve ever witnessed or experienced. In reality, this role has nothing to do with others but everything to do with the self.
How many times have you done something for someone else to ensure their happiness but it left you feeling empty….. yet hopeful that your continued sacrifices would be seen as a gesture of selflessness….. which would eventually lead to an equally reciprocated act of love or equal sacrifice?
The goal ultimately is to get what you want in the end. Whether that be time, affection, money, love, support, more sex…… whatever.
But what happens when you don’t get what you want after your sacrifices? You feel cheated, blown off, disregarded, and devalued.
How did you feel when you reflected on all the things done to make your partner happy, and it seemed like they hadn’t returned the same efforts on your behalf or considered your desires?
Your happiness should not be on the auction block or up for trade but if it is and it results in you still NOT getting what you want, it causes resentment.
You begin to question your worth and ask yourself the hard “why’s “. Those why’s that mess with your self-esteem and role of significance in the relationship.
You are then forced to reassess EVERYTHING!
It is necessary to be self-aware of your actions and the impact it has on others.
“Nice guys” and many women often willingly assume this role. They mistakenly believe that if they sacrifice enough in the name of their partner’s happiness, they’ll eventually get what they need. Over time, this leads to a level of resentment that can never be satisfied.
Here is the Takeaway:
Fear of Intimacy: There is no getting around intimacy. Intimacy is the glue that holds long-term relationships together. Take the time to build authentic connections so you are not worried about sharing pieces of yourself recklessly.
Poor Communication: Good communication is key. If everyone in the relationship can focus on that goal, you’ll have what it takes to enjoy and nurture lifelong relationships with the ones you love.
Insecurity: Understand that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Resist the urge to constantly feel the need to be validated. Not only is it annoying but it is unattractive as hell!!
Need For Control: Your partner is going to disappoint you now and then… DEAL WITH IT! Allow your partner to make and learn to form their own mistakes Resist the need to “save them” from making a bad decision or even worst, themselves.
Role Of Martyr: An equal exchange of giving and take is healthy. Constant sacrifice, giving and unfair exchanges will eventually cause resentment that can never be met. Find ways to create balance so you are not always pouring into your partner. Eventually, you will be left feeling empty as a result of not being poured into as well.
Well, there you have it. Those are five common behaviors you might want to avoid if you wish to engage in great relationships.
Look at your past relationships and consider how many of these behaviors were present in yourself or the other person. By avoiding these common behaviors, you can give your relationships a much better chance of surviving and thriving. Take a hard look at yourself and make the necessary adjustments. Great relationships make life an exciting and rewarding experience.
Focus on being a whole person before entering a relationship, not just on being liked by someone. Be honest about any past relationship issues and make sure that you are doing the things necessary to ensure the best chance of success in the future.
If you want to grow and sustain your relationships, think long term, and abandon the quick fixes that often do nothing but create more problems. The longer a relationship lasts, the stronger it can get – it’s never too late to change your behavior.
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